Elizabeth's World

The Push and Pull

2010-11-19T03:23:00.003-05:00

Have you ever had the sensation that you're being pulled in one direction by a force stronger than yourself, but you're compelled to push against it. Almost like when you ride the Tilt-A-Whirl at a Carnival, you're spinning and pulled to the outside of the spin, but you are trying to stay in your seat pushing against the centrifugal force.

This is how I live my life. So many times I push against the thing that I should be letting pull me. I fight, I rebel, I push. The thing is that centrifugal force is irresistible, you must eventually yield to it if you're going to enjoy the ride. I know this in my head. I know that if I yielded sooner I would enjoy more of the ride. And still I push against the pull.

Creativity...

2010-07-11T02:35:00.001-04:00

What creativity really is...I've just been mulling this over in my mind, and wondering why I have no energy lately to create.

The dictionary definition of creativity is:
-noun
1. the state or quality of being creative.
2. the process by which one utilizes creative ability

I strive to be a diligent wife/mother/keeper-of-my-home and sometimes this means there is no mental energy left for me to pursue more personally gratifying endeavors. That is not to say that I don't derive a great deal of satisfaction from doing the aforementioned things well. It does, however, mean that there are days when I do not even begin to do those things that feel 'creative' to me.

As I was pondering these things I was struck with the idea that perhaps my view of creativity was too narrow. Maybe instead of being so focused on the tangible physical aspects of creativity, and therefore causing discontentment ro rear its ugly head, I ought to realize that creativity is also a part of how we approach the more intangible goals before us.

The reality is that each day my creativity, in my current phase of life, is more focused on raising my daughter to achieve her fullest potential. On loving my husband in such a way that he is genuinely built up and encouraged, and in creating a thoroughly peaceful atmosphere in my home through organization and love. In short my creativity is focused on being a reflection of Christ in my day-to-day living.

It is no wonder then that I don't often have the energy to create a collection of paintings, a sculpture, or some pillows. The reality is not that I don't have the energy to create but that my creativity is being expended in an even higher calling. I am focused on a deeper and more lasting end result, I strive for something of eternal value.

For it is not I who lives but Christ living in me, through me... I press on toward the prize, which is the high calling of God in Christ Jeaus.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Luciana

2010-05-06T10:44:00.000-04:00

Encouragement

2010-03-04T09:15:00.001-05:00

en·cour·age
-verb
1. to inspire with courage, spirit, or confidence.
2. to stimulate by assistance, approval, etc.
3. to promote, advance, or foster.

Heb 10:24 - and let us consider how to provoke (spur on) one another to love and good works

Organization...

2010-03-01T14:57:00.002-05:00

- noun

1. the act or process of organizing

2. the state or manner of being organized

This is the goal, ultimately. For now I'm just disorganized:

- adjective

1. functioning without adequate order, systemization, or planning; uncoordinated

2. careless, or undisciplined; sloppy

To address this obvious disparity (I mean, who wants to be referred to as "uncoordinated, and sloppy"?) I am making some systematic changes to my life.

A small book with the recipes of meals we eat often. Enough for 31 days (think 24-hour photo book with 5x7 recipe cards in it). This solves the "what are we eating tonight?" problem. As well as the "what am I shopping for?" problem.

A "desk organizer" with a slot for bills, outgoing letters, pens, and miscellaneous (i.e. sticky notes, paper clips, thumb tacks, etc.). This solves the "where are the bills I was supposed to pay yesterday?" problem. It should also help with the "I wish we had an office" problem.

A small file box for any ongoing projects that we have (such as my editing, Jake's invoices, any job related receipts etc). This should help us solve the "why are there always piles of paper on the table?" problem.

Its a tall order when you consider that this is only one part of all that needs to be done. However, I've come to the conclusion that in order for our "castles in the sky" dreams, and hopes to be fulfilled we are going to have to buckle down, get organized, and dig into the "daily grind" of reality. Its a tough job but nobody else is going to do this for us. Being organized is going to be a major stepping stone to acheiving our future. So here goes...

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving." Colossians 3:23-24

I knit...

2009-10-10T01:28:00.004-04:00

Okay so knitting is not on anyone's list of truly cool past-times, but I like it because it gives me time to think and feel productive at the same time. Plus it's helpful when you want to make your daughter a cute hat... at least I thought it would be, however that would take skill as well as time and, well, apparently I just don't have the skill.

If she had a little blue shirt and yellow pants she could work for travelocity as the gnome's body double, seriously the little red hat stands up off of her head and is about three times too big for her. I was going for the adorable too long stocking hat look, and ended up with an elf.

Hat number 2 (I failed so miserably the first time I figured it couldn't get any worse) looks like it was made as part of an Easter costume, for the rainbow colored Bunny... don't have pictures yet, but I will and I just might post them here because it seems that regardless of how I attempt to sabotage her my little darling is adorable anyway!

Update: to add insult to injury my mom came over and whipped up this darling little topper in just a couple of hours... as you can see she is definitely able to pull off any look!

Lady Bug

2009-08-09T22:39:00.006-04:00

****WARNING*********************************
THIS IS A SENTIMENTALITY ALERT, BE ADVISED THAT READING THIS POST COULD LEAD TO A SLIGHT SUGAR HIGH
************************************************
My little girl will be three months old this week
I think I might be obsessed with her
I spend lots of time looking at her, and praying for her
In the last three months life has altered
Things that used to be priorities are no longer
Instead of spending time on the internet
I sit and watch her face, and play with her hands
Rather than talking to my friends (so sorry to all)
I sit on the couch and talk to my girl
I don't care as much about hair/make-up/clothes
I have found a new standard of beauty

She changes daily and I revel in her continued growth
She smiles and reaches for things I'm amazed at how independent she has already become
Each day with her is a gift and I'm so grateful for it

My New Life

2009-06-24T13:19:00.002-04:00

My life revolves around a baby now, yes, but really it's so much more than that she is now sharing my home (and my body even still).
In the past I may have had some things to do, errands to run, friends to visit, etc. I would select a time and do it. I was me without even thinking about it, I had my rythm and I knew how to send a text message, and could change the oil in my car if necessary, I could sit down with a book to read for a few hours, and even start and finish a sewing project in one day. All the while the laundry was being done, and I was organizing my kitchen/closet/attic/shed. I was able to move seamlessly from one thing to another without even stopping to eat (I have two hands I could eat on the go if need be).
Then I gave birth to my very own little leech.
Now after weeks of sporadic meals, the occasional trip to the store, and a deep desire to go to bed at 10:30 and get up at 7 without interruption as I strive to get back into the groove of 'real life' I find that I have an enormous obsacle in the form of a tiny person. I adore my daughter, but the reality is that what used to be effortless is now next to impossible, what was once seamless is now disrupted, and what was easy is now gone seemingly forever. I am not complaining simply regretting how easy it was to get out to the store when I didn't have to consider how long I had until I would have to nurse/diaper change again. There is the regular baby routine eat/wake/sleep which is spiced up by the unexpected completely inconsolable crying jag for no apparent reason.
The revelation of my new life is this: Babies do not just tuck into your pocket and come along for the ride while you live your life. It turns out that they are separate individuals, with their own rythm of life, which apparantly has to be decoded and then incorporated into the New Rythm of their parent's lives. It's not all about her, but it's not about me either...

Transition

2009-04-29T15:04:00.003-04:00

We are in the home stretch now...
Last night my sister and brother, and one of my friends came over and helped us get more settled into our home. There is so much to do, and I'm too tired to actually do it myself so I asked for help. We got curtains put up, and the baby 'changing table' set up, all of the baby gifts were catalogued, and duplicate gifts were put in a bin to be returned/regifted/sold. All of the Newborn - 3 month clothes are clean and put away waiting for our little one. The baby bed is set up, and our room is pretty well organized as is the bathroom. Jake and Jason got all of our attic storage into the attic (they both worked so hard to get it done, some of the bins were full of books and super heavy). This leaves me with the kitchen, and living room to finish before she comes... not much left out there except decorating and the last details of organizing. I told Jake that I'm really starting to feel like we actually live here which is good.
Even so everything is changing so fast I'm having a hard time keeping up.
I will be done at work on Friday.
Jake's last day at Crossroads is May 7th, and his first day at the new job is May 10th
My Dr hinted today at my 37 week check up that he thinks this baby is going to be a bit early (like maybe around the 6th or so) That's next week people!!
Even if she's on time or late we're only looking at maybe 4 more weeks at the most before she's here.
I'm going from full time office assistant to full time mom
One of the major events in the process of giving birth is Transition it's when you go from laboring to pushing the baby out. It's tough, in fact from what I hear it's the hardest part of the labor and delivery. Harder even than the pushing/delivery. The other day I said out loud that what I'm fearing is 'transition' but I wasn't talking about the stage in labor, I was talking about a stage of life. I'm kind of freaked out about transitioning from who I am now into this nurturing mother person that I'm supposed to just become. There are a lot of unknowns, a lot of change. Jake is ready, he's at peace and comfortable with what he has to do and become. I am not quite there yet... and right now I'm hoping that it will work itself out before I'm in transition with labor...

Cute Travel System

2009-04-15T15:24:00.008-04:00

So we have received some really nice gifts for our little Luciana but didn't need them all. Considering the space we have to work with at home we took some things back and decided to use the money that we got back toward a travel system (car seat/stroller) for our little pumpkin.

This is what we got,
the Graco Metrolite...
(so light weight and manageable not to mention cute)...

It was on sale and between a 10% discount, the returned items, and the sale we ended up only spending $50 on this set (Normally over $250 before taxes!!!)!!!

I'm so excited...

Easy...Hard

2009-04-07T09:32:00.003-04:00

It's so easy to worry
It's so easy to forget God's faithfulness
It's so easy to think that I'm right
It's so easy to just go my own way
It's so easy to sin that it must be second nature

It's so hard to trust
It's so hard to just believe
It's so hard to surrender
It's so hard to follow
It's so hard to do what is right

There is no goodness in me that is my own, I can't claim it... because I know that if I had a choice I would pick the easy way...

Jake

2009-03-11T14:28:00.003-04:00

Can I just say that I am married to the most wonderful man in the whole world... I love him so much... and deserve him so little

Jake is a doer, a finisher, an extremely committed hard worker.

This month we have a lot of tasks that need to be accomplished and they are just preliminary to actually getting ready for the baby. We have to pack, paint, clean and move from our old apartment. We have to finish the bedroom, bathroom, living room, and kitchen (that is every room in the house) and move-in to the new place. All of this before we can start setting up a baby-friendly little home complete with all the baby gadgets (the necessity of which I am currently debating :o).

I am 7 1/2 months pregnant feeling every single one of my 30 weeks and knowing it is going to continue down hill from here for me physically.

All of this ends up meaning that Jake (the doer/finisher/committed-hard-worker) has a lot of pressure on him to do-finish-work hard. He is exhausted and yet gets up every morning goes to work for anywhere from 8-12 hours, comes home from work every night and helps me with basic normal house work, as well as the extra stuff of packing, organizing, and pitching the things we own, or he goes over to the house and works til the wee hours of the morning laying tile, setting cabinets, shopping for appliances, and generally getting all the little details in place for the house to be ready to move into.

Like I said I am married to the most wonderful man in the whole world... I love him so much... and deserve him so little

Moving...

2009-02-13T10:42:00.002-05:00

This seems to be the theme of my life right now in one way or another.

Jake and I are moving to a different home...
when I'm about 7 1/2 months pregnant
to a little house with a garage and a yard :o)

I am moving from the work-force to the stay-at-home-force
reducing our income (hence the need for aforementioned move)
increasing my time available to our daughter (and my husband-hopefully)

I am moving from wife to wife/mother
adding another person that I get to pour into
adding to the number of people I would die for

Lucy is moving
she's spent most of the week repositioning herself so she can kick new places
she has been kicking just above my belly button all day (the first time she's gone that far 'north')

There's a lot of moving going on lately...
mostly good, but none of it easy...
Just more reason to trust God

My Body

2009-01-12T08:52:00.004-05:00

(According to My 17 Year Old Brother)

I'm past the 'awkward-is-she-isn't-she-bump' stage and now into the 'cute-baby-bump' stage...

Nice

baby news...

2009-01-05T10:39:00.002-05:00

So we're having a little girl.
Of course Jake and I are both excited, and a little petrified.
Little girls are so precious, and tender and strong.
When you meet a woman with her head on straight,
passionate about life, and emotionally balanced
it is an amazing thing.

But how do you get her from a crying helpless little infant to that strong, balanced, passionate, yet gentle woman?

Obviously maturity is a process
and there are no guarantees that she will be this woman
when she leaves our home,
but we want to give her the tools
to be the best possible version of herself that she can be.
Understanding of course that God has to be at work in her
or we have nothing.
Now following Him (or not) is done in her sight
and she takes part in the consequences of our decisions.

That is probably the scariest part of all that we have to be sensitive to Him regarding our little girl, we have to follow Him for her sake, as well as our own.

God we beg your continued grace...

Changes

2008-12-08T15:24:00.002-05:00

There are a lot of new things going on in my life. For the most part they are related to becoming a Mom for the first time; like feeling the baby moving but not being sure it was our little one; and having to adjust my eating and drinking habits; and needing all new clothes because mine aren't working; or planning the next year around the arrival of a little baby in our home; thinking about the future now has these wierd new facets that I can't ignore.

But some of it is because my job requires me to do things I've never done before like prepare budget spreadsheets for meetings; and explain why pastors do the things they do (without gossiping); being at church for half a day on Sundays; or placing huge office supply orders.

For the most part it's good stuff. A few things however are regrettable like the widening of my hips... I truly am not looking forward to how far apart they will become in the next months; or how little house work I seem to be able to get done anymore (and I know it is supposed to just get worse and worse); but by far the worst change is my mental capacity I am no longer able to remember family members names, and can't focus long enough to answer simple questions like, "should this come out of the oven now or in 2 minutes".

Yep things are changing, I guess some of it is supposed to change back but some things (i.e. my hips, or the brand new little person that will be here forever) are more permanent changes, and I'm just along for the ride... Adventure of a Lifetime Here I Come!!

Baby Stuff

2008-11-19T13:56:00.003-05:00

Ok, so here I am pregnant and just like any other new experience for me I research it, read about it, check out the internet and ask lots of questions.
The major thing I am learning is this
Every woman is different. Every baby is different. Every pregnancy is different.
What this means for me is:
1) We're unique so I don't need to worry about if I'm the "right" size/shape/color (yep your skin can change color, crazy right?)
2) Nobody else in the entire world is having, or has ever had this exact same experience
3) I'm not going to be afraid about weight gain/loss; movement inside my womb; how the delivery will go; or all the other crazy fears that can attack the mind of a mommy to be
It's all a new wonderful miracle and God is perfectly in control.
And that is the truth that I will keep saying, and believing even when I wake up with nightmares about my baby dying, feel fat and ugly, look like a whale, can't find clothes to fit, don't feel my baby move for another 2 months, or whatever fearful, scary things that just naturally come along with this adventure (they're part of the package).

Time...

2008-11-01T12:17:00.002-04:00

Wow it's been a long time, a lot has changed, and a lot is still the same

I have a new job, I'm working as a church secretary and even though pastor's can be as demanding as doctor's my heart is different in this place. I know that I serve the good of the Body and I get more fulfillment when I serve the Body than almost anything else I do.

My desires for the future remain, and while Jake and I have so much that stands in the way of actually achieving the future we know that nothing is bigger than God and so we live with that hope.

I'm pregnant, by sometime next May I should be holding a little dependent life in my arms wondering what to do with it, and if I'm crazy for having wanted this challenge.

My husband loves me, as always ... his care, concern, and overall provision for us is such a blessing to my heart... his love inspires love in me... I think that is the most overwhelming thing about love. Genuine love when given inspires love to be returned.

My world has been shaken in a lot of ways in the last 6 months that are impossible to go into right now but I'm looking back on it with awe for what God has revealed of Himself in those months, and how He has made Himself real. I think the biggest thing has been that God's timing and mine almost never line up, but He's the boss and He knows when the timing is right in a much more fine tuned way than I ever could.

Thursday...

2008-04-28T15:05:00.003-04:00

Every change requires an adjustment.

One of the major adjustments to my "new" job has been the time that is involved. Spending between an hour and a half, and two hours a day on the road was a bit more than expected. The daily hours have ended up being more than I expected, and there have been some policies regarding lunch and breaks that have caught me off guard. All of this to say that my job has really worn me down, but the conclusion to all of this is that it's changing on May 8th.

I will now have every Thursday off.

And so I approach another adjustment.

iPod ... Nano

2008-04-03T12:32:00.006-04:00

My husband bought me a late birthday present...

It's a cute sea-foam green iPod nano...

He had it engraved with "our saying."

He also had it gift wrapped and waiting at the front door for me when I came home last night!

Love it!

cream cheese

2008-03-04T10:21:00.002-05:00

I've never really been one to eat the butter straight, peanut butter yes, and cheez whiz (last night), but really as a whole I don't eat "smearable toppings" (cream cheese, mayonaise, butter, cinnamon butter, jelly, jam, marmalade ...etc.) by the spoonful. Today however I met a cream cheese that I loved enough to eat even after I ran out of bagel to go with it. I Stopped by Einstein Bagels on the way to work this morning... and let me tell you... their Shmear is delicious... so good... yummy... you should try some, I think it's whipped or something... because it is amazingly smooth and I love it...

Changed

2008-02-18T09:34:00.002-05:00

I want to go back.

It has been months... longer than we were there, and now I know in my heart I want it. It's not just in my head anymore. They've dug their way down into my heart, and I will sacrifice for them more than they'll ever know. So much less than the greatest Sacrifice, and yet so much more than I've ever given before.

The doubts in my head and heart are silenced if but for this moment. I know He is sufficient for all of them and today, right now, that is enough. It will always be enough whether I am acknowledging it or not. Right now I have the euphoria of this decision to carry me. Later only Faith.

Eyeballs

2008-02-14T14:31:00.004-05:00

Did you know?

A frog must close its eyes to swallow. When it does this the eyeballs are retracted to press against the roof of the mouth, helping to press food on down the gullet.

DiversaFact from Diversified Opthalmics Inc.

...that might explain why they have such huge eyeballs...

So considering eyeballs... mine feel tired... and I want a nap... and yet instead of going home and sleeping I need to stay here to help other people's eyeballs see clearly...

Money

2008-02-09T00:58:00.001-05:00

I work my butt off all week so that I can make money.
I make money so that I can buy the things I need.
I buy things I need like gas to get to work, and food so that I don't pass out while I'm working.

Does this seem like a vicious cycle to anyone else?

Does anybody else feel like you're serving 'The Machine' rather than living Life?

Can I also just say, that when I spend the money on things I want and don't need for existence (money that I spent over 40 hours this week earning) I end up feeling guilty!!
I feel like time is just slipping through my fingers, and that even though I'm earning a paycheck for it... I'm missing out on life which is ultimately a pretty high price to pay

However... I am making this sacrifice now so that I can have the reward later of freedom from "The Machine"

Gratefulness

2008-01-24T11:44:00.000-05:00

How is it possible to live in such a wealthy, clean, privileged country and still be bitter and ungrateful for all the goodness that we have spread before us? I have been evaluating some of the things I've said and attitudes that I've had lately and realize that I'm expecting perfection from my whole world. Part of that expectation is that everyone would also exercise perfect selfless love towards me in the meantime. I'm so tired of being ungrateful and discontented with my life, and the things I've been given. So I'm calling myself out to change.

Today I'm grateful for:
my husband who is strong, confident, loving, and thoughtful.
a working car
a nice two bedroom apartment with a huge living/dining area
friends who want to spend time with me and be involved in my life
a family that has always wanted the best for me and supported me

Roman Art

2008-01-11T09:54:00.000-05:00

The Roman Art from the Louvre exhibit was here.

I went and saw it last weekend with my husband and some friends... it was so beautiful and poignant. There is something really gripping about looking at things that were created by human hands over 1500 years ago. Seeing the talent they had to sculpt rock into the human likenesses of some of the world's most powerful people (whether they were accurate representations or not) is enough to give you pause. On top of that to see these mosaic floors that used to be in the homes of people in cities like Antioch. I couldn't help but think of Paul, the world traveler and it hit me that he could have actually stepped on these same tiles. I found myself in a really pensive mood because of the influence of cold stone, lifeless gold, and shimmering jewelry. Staring into the face of a woman who's been dead for almost 2000 years is a little deep to comprehend. It added depth to the life of the early Christians for me because they walked among these or similar items.

I'm glad I went, it was an opportunity to gain some perspective on life. Somehow contemplating the fact that so many people have lived, but are now dead helps me to approach my fleeting life with a little more gravity. I only have a little while, and the chances of people someday looking at a life size carving of me is really slim. Leading me to the conclusion that I have to make a difference while I'm breathing because that's all I've got.

lunch...

2008-01-10T13:18:00.001-05:00

So I'm sitting at my desk staring at yummy beef pot roast left overs, wishing I could be eating them. The reason I can't is because I am not alone in the office. There is a patient waiting for the doctor (who doesn't happen to be back yet). This particular patient is facing me, and there is no way that I can even sneak a bite of the sumptuous goodness sitting right in front of me. The pure torture of smelling the delectable treat is making my stomach hurt. Maybe the arrival of the doctor will rescue me from my restrictions... He has just come in... she's going into his office... Oh you've got to be kidding me... the next patient just walked in as the doctor closed the door on his office... GAAAAHHH... I can't take it anymore... I'm going to sneak a bite while this next patient is facing the other direction... MMMMmmmm... sweet heavenly relief... food for my poor starved taste buds (because they have suffered the most from my recent privations).

New Job

2007-12-26T12:58:00.001-05:00

Started a new position.
I like it a lot.
My official title is Office Manager/Optometric Assistant.
Sounds important right?!!
Again, I like it.
Still a little nervous about getting all the important stuff right.
Probably will be for a while.
Pay is not great, but improves every three months!

On top of all that last week my husband was extra attentive because he knows my overly analytical tendencies and wanted to help me transition into this job as quickly and easily as possible. He did housework, fixed dinner, took me out to eat, gave me a back rub and LISTENED to all of my stressing. And never once acted like he was frustrated by my needs.

I really appreciate him. He is better to me than I deserve, Praise the Lord.

All in all I'm blessed.

2007-12-05T12:22:00.000-05:00

Busy day today.
Don't want to do the things I really need to do... I am not prioritizing well today.

----------------------------

The snow is beautiful, it has stopped coming down for now, and there is this giant fluffy white blanket covering over everything. I love how snow smoothes out the rough edges of life. It makes everything graceful, and lovely. There is really nothing quite like it. Except maybe Grace.

----------------------------

I finally got all of the popcorn strung for our Christmas tree, and now I can finish decorating it... I love Christmas

Job Hunt

2007-11-29T14:09:00.000-05:00

I'm such a slacker... I was supposed to be looking for a job this month and I haven't

Then two days ago my husband gets a call saying there is an opportunity for me to work full time, and get payed substantially more than I made at my old job.

My list of job requirements:

more $$ than my last job (to help pay off the school bill)
get it by the end of the month (which happens to be tomorrow)
part time (so that I can handle the stuff around the house, and so that I can keep it after I'm -hopefully- pregnant)
something I would enjoy doing (working with people, challenging, some change etc)

This job:

more $$ than my last job
would have it by the end of the month
full time (and strenuous... probably wouldn't be able to keep working throughout the pregnancy)
not necessarily enjoyable (solitary, tedious work)

decisions, decisions...

He Wins

2007-11-21T03:16:00.000-05:00

So I've been fighting it, but the fight is over, for now. I'm sure it will come up again later, but He owns me. I have been bought with a price, and remembering what I've been purchased from makes me want to give what He asks of me. I know He deserves more than I offer but I can't give more than all of what I am, and have so, thankfully, He fills up the empty places with Himself to make me acceptable. That's what it all boils down to, my submission to the filling. These last few weeks I haven't been willing, and so I have remained empty because I was closed off. Now though He is slaking my thirst with His own Presence, and filling me up so that I no longer lack.

When He wins, I win. So why is there ever a battle?

Riddly, Riddly Ree...

2007-11-10T05:14:00.000-05:00

I see something you don't see and it's tall, thin, with long legs, and feathers on it's bottom...

I apologize if anyone takes offense at this, but seriously I couldn't help the association, and at 5 am a lot of things are funny...

Irony

2007-11-08T12:50:00.000-05:00

So here's ironic for you.
A week ago I was on a plane flying home from an impoverished 3rd World country. I was overwhelmed with all that I had experienced, and saturated in the life of the poor.
Today I stayed home all morning so that the cable-guy could come over and hook up a deluxe cable package for my husband and I.
Talk about world's apart.

Surreal Return

2007-11-02T18:09:00.000-04:00

So I've been out of the country for three months. It's been a life changing experience living among people who would love to make in a year what we make in a week here in the U.S. I loved it there, the people were wonderful, friendly, beautiful, and kind. They would get so excited if I used just one word in their language. They constantly wanted to have us over for tea. There were hopelessly poor, but would spend a weeks salary to feed us rice, and cha...
Despite being there for three months I feel like there is no way for me to convey what I experienced there, the message I intend to give is impossible to get across. My thoughts and feelings for a place and people so far away lose their meaning here in our context. The words I would use are inadequate for the purpose I have for them. I know you won't understand, not the way I want you to. I keep hearing the things I want to say through your ears, and know that you don't understand it how I mean it.
Maybe I'll try again later...

Going...Going...Gone...

2007-08-02T11:02:00.000-04:00

We're leaving today in just a little over six hours! It's crazy how God has brought us to this point, but impossible to put it all here. I'm nervous, excited, scared, and ready to just absorb...

A friend of mine this week shared this verse with me as an encouragement before we leave

"For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so that we can do the good things he planned for us before the beginning of time"

It is so incredible to me that this last 7 months of preparation was on God's radar screen before He even created the world I live in.

I'm going to go do the good things He planned for me...

Goodness...

2007-07-29T15:27:00.000-04:00

My Husband is a good, no actually a truly great man, hindered only by sin (which it turns out is kind of a big deal). Yet he continues to be a wonderful and loving man despite this heavy burden. His patience with me this past weekend, and genuine love has made me realize even more how blessed I am to have him. He has been becoming such a good friend to me lately, sometimes in marriage it is so easy to be distracted by "living married" and all that this means to the extreme of forgetting WHO you're married to, and why you're even in this relationship. Because of him I am learning so much about who I am to be in Christ, and the type of relationship that I should be fostering in Christ. It is so good.
My Sister is a blessing to me. I did not choose her, in fact for years I despised the fact that she had been born to be my shadow, and yet she has been one of the best influencers of my life. Who she is challenges me to be a better version of myself. She loves me unconditionally and always has, even when I did not even care about her. Because of her I have seen love in action as no one else can show it to me. I got to spend some time with her this week and as always was blessed by her gentle and quiet spirit, it was good.
My Friend is a woman who has three children, and a busy life but always squeezes me in when I'm around. I am always simply swallowed into her life when I'm with her. On every level she is vulnerable, and open emotionally, spiritually, relationally and I love it. I sense that she is never any less herself with any person, and in fact she encourages them to be more themselves as Christ intends them to be. It is such an encouragement to watch her with her equally mature Christian husband as they interact with their children, and others in a way that you know Christ must be pleased. Because of her I aspire to be more than I ever would have thought possible, not only because of who she is, but because of who she really believes that I am and can be.
There are so many other people who have influenced, and changed me. People who have been like 'iron sharpening iron' to me, but these three are probably the most influential of all time in my life, and I spent time with them all this week... which ultimately means that this was a good week... a blessed time, and I'm grateful.

Is this real??

2007-07-24T14:48:00.001-04:00

I will be gone in just about a week... and I'm in a quandry over how to respond when people ask if I'm excited... because of course I'm excited, but I don't know how to make you understand that I'm scared out of my mind that I will fail, or be stupid, or shame my husband, or worst of all that I will hate it and never want to do this thing again. I guess if everything was about me like this blog then that would matter in the grand scheme of things, but if I'm honest with myself I know this is not about me, so the success of it is not about me either... now if I could only convince myself that this is the real truth...

Memories

2007-07-16T15:39:00.000-04:00

This month Jake and I have been focusing a lot on making memories with family and friends. I know some of you think that can't possibly be true because you've barely seen anything of us. That is simply a result of how many friends we do have, we've been so blessed. So we have been spending as much time with people as we can, and soaking them up (hoping that leaving won't be as hard, I guess). We've been to weddings, and traveled a lot. We've had dinner out at nice places, we've done new, exciting, and adventurous things, and celebrated many events with those we love. And after all of it I still don't feel like it will be enough to get me through three months in another country. I'm going to miss everyone so much.

These memories are going to mean a lot to me come August. Thank you.

visas

2007-07-12T11:30:00.000-04:00

They came

We're going

For real

Wow

Actions

2007-07-10T15:14:00.000-04:00

deleting my emails in my work account
sending update letters to all of our friends and family
hanging out with friends
planning to hold a baby on Thursday
boating (maybe)
hoping for the last door to open for this trip
writing lists of things to get done before we leave
spending time with people
waiting...

Pass or Fail

2007-07-06T11:03:00.000-04:00

You know how occasionally a professor will give you a test that is simply pass/fail. It's easy right? I mean the stress to perfom is a bit higher, but in the end you either did it or you didn't. That's how I look at life all the time, there aren't levels of success only success or failure. There are aspects where this is good because it means that I am driven to excellence, however there are a lot of gray areas in real life that get overlooked because of this perspective.
Honestly it's kind of a poor way of viewing things because I can never rejoice in any small betterment, and I'm often critical of those who are experiencing failure of any kind. In my mind the presence of failure is the absence of success. I hate it.
Life the way I see it is pass/fail and I'm failing. And I don't know how to change my view so that life is more rewarding.

my body

2007-07-01T17:56:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I'm fat, maybe not the lady who can't walk or do anything because she's fat, but I am fat. I'm obsessed with it even more than babies (and just ask my husband that's quite the obsession). I may not need surgical intervention, but basic redirection is definitely in order. How did I get here? I used to be so good, I ate right, I was active, and I was not obsessive. It was the good life, and I looked good too. Is it just age, and the shifting metabolism? Or is my focus the thing that's shifted? I want to be healthy again, but I'm afraid after focusin on weightloss, and trying for over two years that it's never going to happen. I'm on the fast track to diabetes, and heart failure because for my height I am dangerously obese. And even if every single health test on the internet didn't tell me so, I would know something is wrong because I can feel it in the core of my being. So is this just the fallen world finally catching up with me, or is this still something I'm meant to fight, even possibly win?

Sleepy

2007-06-29T09:09:00.000-04:00

Today if I was one of the Seven Dwarfs I would totally be Sleepy. I feel like I could curl up just about anywhere and crash out. I keep thinking I must be coming up on a break here soon... but I've only been at work a half an hour!!! I don't have any phone calls to answer, I have not a single letter to send, nor do I have any outstanding projects hanging over my head and so my tiredness is compounded by boredom...
I just heard my name uttered aloud by a coworker... maybe she has something she wants me to do... but wait... no... no she's walking away, down the hall. Away from my desk...into the dark busyness of her own office...
*moments later*
Oooo look the message light is blinking, something to do... it says that I have two new VM messages, but the phone hasn't rung... someone must be forwarding messages from their phone to mine...
*checking messages*
they weren't really for me -sigh- they're for my co-worker ... at least I will have something to do when I walk them across the hall...
Time to go back to sleep I guess...

my life

2007-06-27T11:15:00.000-04:00

yikes,
I'm back in my life, and am 1 for 2 on good days! yesterday I got up and was busy, and worked, and got stuff done, and went to bed before midnight, and overall was pretty successful... today I overslept, and didn't get to work until much later, and am leaving early (ish) for a bridal shower, and am still tired and dragging and unmotivated to get the work done. Sheesh I thought it would take at least a week for me to become this pathetic... sadly it only took about 24 hours... I guess all I have though is this moment right here to stop piddling, and get some work done, to become motivated, and start accomplishing, but I wanted you to know that as of this moment right now I feel like a failure... not a monumental failure, but at least a little failure... (i think that may be an oxymoron-'little failure')
oh well, done with the pep talk and moving on...

This day

2007-06-26T15:03:00.000-04:00

Good summer so far, made up of more than thirty 'todays' that have each in their own way been a blessing...
this is the day the Lord has made so I will rejoice and be glad in it... as hard and crazy and wierd as this day is. It's my first day back at the office, I've been gone a month and really I missed the people... just not all the drama, and wierd stuff that always seems to be going on.

contemplations

2007-06-15T02:36:00.001-04:00

I got my first speeding ticket this week, and justice has a whole new meaning for me in the sense that for the first time in my life I think I have received it. Always before I have been the recipient of mercy, and grace. I think I have a more full understanding of receiving the just consequence for my actions now than I ever have. And I am better for the justice I have received because I am more grateful for the daily GRACE that I live in.
Who would have thought...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Today

2007-06-08T12:49:00.000-04:00

today my hair has blonde highlights in it... my sister in law Zoe put them there... I think it looks like summer... tell me what you think...
:o)

Busyness

2007-06-07T10:08:00.000-04:00

everybody seems to be going in different directions this week. Jake has been able to get some odd jobs the last few days, so he's been pretty busy with that... Cheli is working (as usual, and is pretty busy there)... Yogi keeps getting requests for picnic tables and beds so he's trying to figure out how to do that stuff quickly, and then there's me. I'm gonna go and mow Gram's lawn today, and then she and I are going to do something...
My brother is coming back from Africa tomorrow, which I think means that at this point he has already gotten to the airport, if not taken off...
Seems like everybody is like a bunch of busy ants, so I need to get off the computer and join the crowd I guess...

Make your busyness count though, don't be aimlessly busy like Martha keep your heart focused on the Lord even in your work...

Life and Death

2007-06-04T09:44:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about life and death. While I don't believe that God wants to do us harm I am convinced that He has numbered our days. He has given us so many days to live and then comes our death. How we die is dependent on our decisions while we live, but when we die is up to God.
I struggle because this means that God has only given some a few days to live and others he has given years. I know that there are passages of Scripture concerning this issue, but at the moment I am only speaking out of my own thoughts, and ideas. If the number of our days is predetermined it also means that we can not add years to our lives by our lifestyle choices, but that we merely improve the quality of the life we have to live. It also means that we can not take years away, at least not literally but our decisions can chisel away years of productivity, and the 'abundant life' that God designed for us to live.
Morbid thoughts I know but I am being challenged to reevaluate my day to day decisions because of this. I face eternity and must be prepared for it at any moment. I must be prepared for the fact that eternity means more than just my destination but the kind of welcome I will receive is a part of my eternal destiny too.

The Tree

2007-05-31T09:35:00.000-04:00

They're chopping down a beautiful tree next door. It's old and the branches twist, and turn in a wonderful way. Like you might expect in an old fairy tale. No one took pictures or anything they just showed up with a cherry picker, a chopper, and some men with chain saws, and started taking the thing down. It's hard for me when things are done unceremoniously, it feels like things are taken for granted and unrecognized. I like that kind of world, where people and things are appreciated. Where giant old trees are noticed for the beauty they provide, and the history they've been part of.
*sigh*

Allegheny

2007-05-29T23:24:00.000-04:00

I love it here.

I'm tired and busy, but happy and content. Sometimes I wish that we could combine all of the people here that we love and all of the people there, it's so hard when your heart is spread out all over the country, and world. I want all my friends back home to know and love these people here. To be friends with them, and really bond with them. And vice versa. Instead I have the blessing, and challenge of being a real and deep part of both worlds. The people here will tell you that they belong here because they really feel it, deep down they know it to be true. And sometimes I catch the back end of that feeling too. Sure, I miss the conveniences of the hustling city, but the peace that comes from just being here and the experience of knowing half of the people you drive past is pretty amazing too. Yeah, I miss my family and 'my world' but this is a good exchange because I could really believe that these people are my family too. It's good here, I can see why God said that 'it was good' when He finished creation. And this is the marred and sinful world I gaze at, imagine if this place were unscarred by sin! I really love it here.

Simple Pleasures

2007-05-28T19:13:00.000-04:00

Life is full of Simple things and these are some of my faves...

hot dogs on the grill
sunshine through the leaves
soft blankets
trust
real people
dark chocolate
warm strong arms around me
water

life is good, not always easy or fun but good...