Eyeballs

Did you know?

A frog must close its eyes to swallow. When it does this the eyeballs are retracted to press against the roof of the mouth, helping to press food on down the gullet.

DiversaFact from Diversified Opthalmics Inc.

...that might explain why they have such huge eyeballs...

So considering eyeballs... mine feel tired... and I want a nap... and yet instead of going home and sleeping I need to stay here to help other people's eyeballs see clearly...

Money

I work my butt off all week so that I can make money.
I make money so that I can buy the things I need.
I buy things I need like gas to get to work, and food so that I don't pass out while I'm working.

Does this seem like a vicious cycle to anyone else?

Does anybody else feel like you're serving 'The Machine' rather than living Life?

Can I also just say, that when I spend the money on things I want and don't need for existence (money that I spent over 40 hours this week earning) I end up feeling guilty!!
I feel like time is just slipping through my fingers, and that even though I'm earning a paycheck for it... I'm missing out on life which is ultimately a pretty high price to pay

However... I am making this sacrifice now so that I can have the reward later of freedom from "The Machine"

Gratefulness

How is it possible to live in such a wealthy, clean, privileged country and still be bitter and ungrateful for all the goodness that we have spread before us? I have been evaluating some of the things I've said and attitudes that I've had lately and realize that I'm expecting perfection from my whole world. Part of that expectation is that everyone would also exercise perfect selfless love towards me in the meantime. I'm so tired of being ungrateful and discontented with my life, and the things I've been given. So I'm calling myself out to change.

Today I'm grateful for:
my husband who is strong, confident, loving, and thoughtful.
a working car
a nice two bedroom apartment with a huge living/dining area
friends who want to spend time with me and be involved in my life
a family that has always wanted the best for me and supported me

Roman Art

The Roman Art from the Louvre exhibit was here.

I went and saw it last weekend with my husband and some friends... it was so beautiful and poignant. There is something really gripping about looking at things that were created by human hands over 1500 years ago. Seeing the talent they had to sculpt rock into the human likenesses of some of the world's most powerful people (whether they were accurate representations or not) is enough to give you pause. On top of that to see these mosaic floors that used to be in the homes of people in cities like Antioch. I couldn't help but think of Paul, the world traveler and it hit me that he could have actually stepped on these same tiles. I found myself in a really pensive mood because of the influence of cold stone, lifeless gold, and shimmering jewelry. Staring into the face of a woman who's been dead for almost 2000 years is a little deep to comprehend. It added depth to the life of the early Christians for me because they walked among these or similar items.

I'm glad I went, it was an opportunity to gain some perspective on life. Somehow contemplating the fact that so many people have lived, but are now dead helps me to approach my fleeting life with a little more gravity. I only have a little while, and the chances of people someday looking at a life size carving of me is really slim. Leading me to the conclusion that I have to make a difference while I'm breathing because that's all I've got.

lunch...

So I'm sitting at my desk staring at yummy beef pot roast left overs, wishing I could be eating them. The reason I can't is because I am not alone in the office. There is a patient waiting for the doctor (who doesn't happen to be back yet). This particular patient is facing me, and there is no way that I can even sneak a bite of the sumptuous goodness sitting right in front of me. The pure torture of smelling the delectable treat is making my stomach hurt. Maybe the arrival of the doctor will rescue me from my restrictions... He has just come in... she's going into his office... Oh you've got to be kidding me... the next patient just walked in as the doctor closed the door on his office... GAAAAHHH... I can't take it anymore... I'm going to sneak a bite while this next patient is facing the other direction... MMMMmmmm... sweet heavenly relief... food for my poor starved taste buds (because they have suffered the most from my recent privations).

New Job

Started a new position.
I like it a lot.
My official title is Office Manager/Optometric Assistant.
Sounds important right?!!
Again, I like it.
Still a little nervous about getting all the important stuff right.
Probably will be for a while.
Pay is not great, but improves every three months!

On top of all that last week my husband was extra attentive because he knows my overly analytical tendencies and wanted to help me transition into this job as quickly and easily as possible. He did housework, fixed dinner, took me out to eat, gave me a back rub and LISTENED to all of my stressing. And never once acted like he was frustrated by my needs.

I really appreciate him. He is better to me than I deserve, Praise the Lord.

All in all I'm blessed.

Busy day today.
Don't want to do the things I really need to do... I am not prioritizing well today.

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The snow is beautiful, it has stopped coming down for now, and there is this giant fluffy white blanket covering over everything. I love how snow smoothes out the rough edges of life. It makes everything graceful, and lovely. There is really nothing quite like it. Except maybe Grace.

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I finally got all of the popcorn strung for our Christmas tree, and now I can finish decorating it... I love Christmas

Job Hunt

I'm such a slacker... I was supposed to be looking for a job this month and I haven't

Then two days ago my husband gets a call saying there is an opportunity for me to work full time, and get payed substantially more than I made at my old job.

My list of job requirements:

• more $$ than my last job (to help pay off the school bill)
• get it by the end of the month (which happens to be tomorrow)
• part time (so that I can handle the stuff around the house, and so that I can keep it after I'm -hopefully- pregnant)
• something I would enjoy doing (working with people, challenging, some change etc)

This job:

• more $$ than my last job
• would have it by the end of the month
• full time (and strenuous... probably wouldn't be able to keep working throughout the pregnancy)
• not necessarily enjoyable (solitary, tedious work)

decisions, decisions...

He Wins

So I've been fighting it, but the fight is over, for now. I'm sure it will come up again later, but He owns me. I have been bought with a price, and remembering what I've been purchased from makes me want to give what He asks of me. I know He deserves more than I offer but I can't give more than all of what I am, and have so, thankfully, He fills up the empty places with Himself to make me acceptable. That's what it all boils down to, my submission to the filling. These last few weeks I haven't been willing, and so I have remained empty because I was closed off. Now though He is slaking my thirst with His own Presence, and filling me up so that I no longer lack.

When He wins, I win. So why is there ever a battle?

Riddly, Riddly Ree...

I see something you don't see and it's tall, thin, with long legs, and feathers on it's bottom...


I apologize if anyone takes offense at this, but seriously I couldn't help the association, and at 5 am a lot of things are funny...

Irony

So here's ironic for you.
A week ago I was on a plane flying home from an impoverished 3rd World country. I was overwhelmed with all that I had experienced, and saturated in the life of the poor.
Today I stayed home all morning so that the cable-guy could come over and hook up a deluxe cable package for my husband and I.
Talk about world's apart.

Surreal Return

So I've been out of the country for three months. It's been a life changing experience living among people who would love to make in a year what we make in a week here in the U.S. I loved it there, the people were wonderful, friendly, beautiful, and kind. They would get so excited if I used just one word in their language. They constantly wanted to have us over for tea. There were hopelessly poor, but would spend a weeks salary to feed us rice, and cha...
Despite being there for three months I feel like there is no way for me to convey what I experienced there, the message I intend to give is impossible to get across. My thoughts and feelings for a place and people so far away lose their meaning here in our context. The words I would use are inadequate for the purpose I have for them. I know you won't understand, not the way I want you to. I keep hearing the things I want to say through your ears, and know that you don't understand it how I mean it.
Maybe I'll try again later...

Going...Going...Gone...

We're leaving today in just a little over six hours! It's crazy how God has brought us to this point, but impossible to put it all here. I'm nervous, excited, scared, and ready to just absorb...

A friend of mine this week shared this verse with me as an encouragement before we leave

"For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so that we can do the good things he planned for us before the beginning of time"

It is so incredible to me that this last 7 months of preparation was on God's radar screen before He even created the world I live in.

I'm going to go do the good things He planned for me...

Goodness...

My Husband is a good, no actually a truly great man, hindered only by sin (which it turns out is kind of a big deal). Yet he continues to be a wonderful and loving man despite this heavy burden. His patience with me this past weekend, and genuine love has made me realize even more how blessed I am to have him. He has been becoming such a good friend to me lately, sometimes in marriage it is so easy to be distracted by "living married" and all that this means to the extreme of forgetting WHO you're married to, and why you're even in this relationship. Because of him I am learning so much about who I am to be in Christ, and the type of relationship that I should be fostering in Christ. It is so good.
My Sister is a blessing to me. I did not choose her, in fact for years I despised the fact that she had been born to be my shadow, and yet she has been one of the best influencers of my life. Who she is challenges me to be a better version of myself. She loves me unconditionally and always has, even when I did not even care about her. Because of her I have seen love in action as no one else can show it to me. I got to spend some time with her this week and as always was blessed by her gentle and quiet spirit, it was good.
My Friend is a woman who has three children, and a busy life but always squeezes me in when I'm around. I am always simply swallowed into her life when I'm with her. On every level she is vulnerable, and open emotionally, spiritually, relationally and I love it. I sense that she is never any less herself with any person, and in fact she encourages them to be more themselves as Christ intends them to be. It is such an encouragement to watch her with her equally mature Christian husband as they interact with their children, and others in a way that you know Christ must be pleased. Because of her I aspire to be more than I ever would have thought possible, not only because of who she is, but because of who she really believes that I am and can be.
There are so many other people who have influenced, and changed me. People who have been like 'iron sharpening iron' to me, but these three are probably the most influential of all time in my life, and I spent time with them all this week... which ultimately means that this was a good week... a blessed time, and I'm grateful.

Is this real??

I will be gone in just about a week... and I'm in a quandry over how to respond when people ask if I'm excited... because of course I'm excited, but I don't know how to make you understand that I'm scared out of my mind that I will fail, or be stupid, or shame my husband, or worst of all that I will hate it and never want to do this thing again. I guess if everything was about me like this blog then that would matter in the grand scheme of things, but if I'm honest with myself I know this is not about me, so the success of it is not about me either... now if I could only convince myself that this is the real truth...

Memories

This month Jake and I have been focusing a lot on making memories with family and friends. I know some of you think that can't possibly be true because you've barely seen anything of us. That is simply a result of how many friends we do have, we've been so blessed. So we have been spending as much time with people as we can, and soaking them up (hoping that leaving won't be as hard, I guess). We've been to weddings, and traveled a lot. We've had dinner out at nice places, we've done new, exciting, and adventurous things, and celebrated many events with those we love. And after all of it I still don't feel like it will be enough to get me through three months in another country. I'm going to miss everyone so much.

These memories are going to mean a lot to me come August. Thank you.

visas

They came

We're going

For real

Wow

Actions

deleting my emails in my work account
sending update letters to all of our friends and family
hanging out with friends
planning to hold a baby on Thursday
boating (maybe)
hoping for the last door to open for this trip
writing lists of things to get done before we leave
spending time with people
waiting...

Pass or Fail

You know how occasionally a professor will give you a test that is simply pass/fail. It's easy right? I mean the stress to perfom is a bit higher, but in the end you either did it or you didn't. That's how I look at life all the time, there aren't levels of success only success or failure. There are aspects where this is good because it means that I am driven to excellence, however there are a lot of gray areas in real life that get overlooked because of this perspective.
Honestly it's kind of a poor way of viewing things because I can never rejoice in any small betterment, and I'm often critical of those who are experiencing failure of any kind. In my mind the presence of failure is the absence of success. I hate it.
Life the way I see it is pass/fail and I'm failing. And I don't know how to change my view so that life is more rewarding.

my body

Ok, so I'm fat, maybe not the lady who can't walk or do anything because she's fat, but I am fat. I'm obsessed with it even more than babies (and just ask my husband that's quite the obsession). I may not need surgical intervention, but basic redirection is definitely in order. How did I get here? I used to be so good, I ate right, I was active, and I was not obsessive. It was the good life, and I looked good too. Is it just age, and the shifting metabolism? Or is my focus the thing that's shifted? I want to be healthy again, but I'm afraid after focusin on weightloss, and trying for over two years that it's never going to happen. I'm on the fast track to diabetes, and heart failure because for my height I am dangerously obese. And even if every single health test on the internet didn't tell me so, I would know something is wrong because I can feel it in the core of my being. So is this just the fallen world finally catching up with me, or is this still something I'm meant to fight, even possibly win?