New Job

Started a new position.
I like it a lot.
My official title is Office Manager/Optometric Assistant.
Sounds important right?!!
Again, I like it.
Still a little nervous about getting all the important stuff right.
Probably will be for a while.
Pay is not great, but improves every three months!

On top of all that last week my husband was extra attentive because he knows my overly analytical tendencies and wanted to help me transition into this job as quickly and easily as possible. He did housework, fixed dinner, took me out to eat, gave me a back rub and LISTENED to all of my stressing. And never once acted like he was frustrated by my needs.

I really appreciate him. He is better to me than I deserve, Praise the Lord.

All in all I'm blessed.

Busy day today.
Don't want to do the things I really need to do... I am not prioritizing well today.

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The snow is beautiful, it has stopped coming down for now, and there is this giant fluffy white blanket covering over everything. I love how snow smoothes out the rough edges of life. It makes everything graceful, and lovely. There is really nothing quite like it. Except maybe Grace.

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I finally got all of the popcorn strung for our Christmas tree, and now I can finish decorating it... I love Christmas

Job Hunt

I'm such a slacker... I was supposed to be looking for a job this month and I haven't

Then two days ago my husband gets a call saying there is an opportunity for me to work full time, and get payed substantially more than I made at my old job.

My list of job requirements:

• more $$ than my last job (to help pay off the school bill)
• get it by the end of the month (which happens to be tomorrow)
• part time (so that I can handle the stuff around the house, and so that I can keep it after I'm -hopefully- pregnant)
• something I would enjoy doing (working with people, challenging, some change etc)

This job:

• more $$ than my last job
• would have it by the end of the month
• full time (and strenuous... probably wouldn't be able to keep working throughout the pregnancy)
• not necessarily enjoyable (solitary, tedious work)

decisions, decisions...

He Wins

So I've been fighting it, but the fight is over, for now. I'm sure it will come up again later, but He owns me. I have been bought with a price, and remembering what I've been purchased from makes me want to give what He asks of me. I know He deserves more than I offer but I can't give more than all of what I am, and have so, thankfully, He fills up the empty places with Himself to make me acceptable. That's what it all boils down to, my submission to the filling. These last few weeks I haven't been willing, and so I have remained empty because I was closed off. Now though He is slaking my thirst with His own Presence, and filling me up so that I no longer lack.

When He wins, I win. So why is there ever a battle?

Riddly, Riddly Ree...

I see something you don't see and it's tall, thin, with long legs, and feathers on it's bottom...


I apologize if anyone takes offense at this, but seriously I couldn't help the association, and at 5 am a lot of things are funny...

Irony

So here's ironic for you.
A week ago I was on a plane flying home from an impoverished 3rd World country. I was overwhelmed with all that I had experienced, and saturated in the life of the poor.
Today I stayed home all morning so that the cable-guy could come over and hook up a deluxe cable package for my husband and I.
Talk about world's apart.

Surreal Return

So I've been out of the country for three months. It's been a life changing experience living among people who would love to make in a year what we make in a week here in the U.S. I loved it there, the people were wonderful, friendly, beautiful, and kind. They would get so excited if I used just one word in their language. They constantly wanted to have us over for tea. There were hopelessly poor, but would spend a weeks salary to feed us rice, and cha...
Despite being there for three months I feel like there is no way for me to convey what I experienced there, the message I intend to give is impossible to get across. My thoughts and feelings for a place and people so far away lose their meaning here in our context. The words I would use are inadequate for the purpose I have for them. I know you won't understand, not the way I want you to. I keep hearing the things I want to say through your ears, and know that you don't understand it how I mean it.
Maybe I'll try again later...

Going...Going...Gone...

We're leaving today in just a little over six hours! It's crazy how God has brought us to this point, but impossible to put it all here. I'm nervous, excited, scared, and ready to just absorb...

A friend of mine this week shared this verse with me as an encouragement before we leave

"For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so that we can do the good things he planned for us before the beginning of time"

It is so incredible to me that this last 7 months of preparation was on God's radar screen before He even created the world I live in.

I'm going to go do the good things He planned for me...

Goodness...

My Husband is a good, no actually a truly great man, hindered only by sin (which it turns out is kind of a big deal). Yet he continues to be a wonderful and loving man despite this heavy burden. His patience with me this past weekend, and genuine love has made me realize even more how blessed I am to have him. He has been becoming such a good friend to me lately, sometimes in marriage it is so easy to be distracted by "living married" and all that this means to the extreme of forgetting WHO you're married to, and why you're even in this relationship. Because of him I am learning so much about who I am to be in Christ, and the type of relationship that I should be fostering in Christ. It is so good.
My Sister is a blessing to me. I did not choose her, in fact for years I despised the fact that she had been born to be my shadow, and yet she has been one of the best influencers of my life. Who she is challenges me to be a better version of myself. She loves me unconditionally and always has, even when I did not even care about her. Because of her I have seen love in action as no one else can show it to me. I got to spend some time with her this week and as always was blessed by her gentle and quiet spirit, it was good.
My Friend is a woman who has three children, and a busy life but always squeezes me in when I'm around. I am always simply swallowed into her life when I'm with her. On every level she is vulnerable, and open emotionally, spiritually, relationally and I love it. I sense that she is never any less herself with any person, and in fact she encourages them to be more themselves as Christ intends them to be. It is such an encouragement to watch her with her equally mature Christian husband as they interact with their children, and others in a way that you know Christ must be pleased. Because of her I aspire to be more than I ever would have thought possible, not only because of who she is, but because of who she really believes that I am and can be.
There are so many other people who have influenced, and changed me. People who have been like 'iron sharpening iron' to me, but these three are probably the most influential of all time in my life, and I spent time with them all this week... which ultimately means that this was a good week... a blessed time, and I'm grateful.

Is this real??

I will be gone in just about a week... and I'm in a quandry over how to respond when people ask if I'm excited... because of course I'm excited, but I don't know how to make you understand that I'm scared out of my mind that I will fail, or be stupid, or shame my husband, or worst of all that I will hate it and never want to do this thing again. I guess if everything was about me like this blog then that would matter in the grand scheme of things, but if I'm honest with myself I know this is not about me, so the success of it is not about me either... now if I could only convince myself that this is the real truth...

Memories

This month Jake and I have been focusing a lot on making memories with family and friends. I know some of you think that can't possibly be true because you've barely seen anything of us. That is simply a result of how many friends we do have, we've been so blessed. So we have been spending as much time with people as we can, and soaking them up (hoping that leaving won't be as hard, I guess). We've been to weddings, and traveled a lot. We've had dinner out at nice places, we've done new, exciting, and adventurous things, and celebrated many events with those we love. And after all of it I still don't feel like it will be enough to get me through three months in another country. I'm going to miss everyone so much.

These memories are going to mean a lot to me come August. Thank you.

visas

They came

We're going

For real

Wow

Actions

deleting my emails in my work account
sending update letters to all of our friends and family
hanging out with friends
planning to hold a baby on Thursday
boating (maybe)
hoping for the last door to open for this trip
writing lists of things to get done before we leave
spending time with people
waiting...

Pass or Fail

You know how occasionally a professor will give you a test that is simply pass/fail. It's easy right? I mean the stress to perfom is a bit higher, but in the end you either did it or you didn't. That's how I look at life all the time, there aren't levels of success only success or failure. There are aspects where this is good because it means that I am driven to excellence, however there are a lot of gray areas in real life that get overlooked because of this perspective.
Honestly it's kind of a poor way of viewing things because I can never rejoice in any small betterment, and I'm often critical of those who are experiencing failure of any kind. In my mind the presence of failure is the absence of success. I hate it.
Life the way I see it is pass/fail and I'm failing. And I don't know how to change my view so that life is more rewarding.

my body

Ok, so I'm fat, maybe not the lady who can't walk or do anything because she's fat, but I am fat. I'm obsessed with it even more than babies (and just ask my husband that's quite the obsession). I may not need surgical intervention, but basic redirection is definitely in order. How did I get here? I used to be so good, I ate right, I was active, and I was not obsessive. It was the good life, and I looked good too. Is it just age, and the shifting metabolism? Or is my focus the thing that's shifted? I want to be healthy again, but I'm afraid after focusin on weightloss, and trying for over two years that it's never going to happen. I'm on the fast track to diabetes, and heart failure because for my height I am dangerously obese. And even if every single health test on the internet didn't tell me so, I would know something is wrong because I can feel it in the core of my being. So is this just the fallen world finally catching up with me, or is this still something I'm meant to fight, even possibly win?

Sleepy

Today if I was one of the Seven Dwarfs I would totally be Sleepy. I feel like I could curl up just about anywhere and crash out. I keep thinking I must be coming up on a break here soon... but I've only been at work a half an hour!!! I don't have any phone calls to answer, I have not a single letter to send, nor do I have any outstanding projects hanging over my head and so my tiredness is compounded by boredom...
I just heard my name uttered aloud by a coworker... maybe she has something she wants me to do... but wait... no... no she's walking away, down the hall. Away from my desk...into the dark busyness of her own office...
*moments later*
Oooo look the message light is blinking, something to do... it says that I have two new VM messages, but the phone hasn't rung... someone must be forwarding messages from their phone to mine...
*checking messages*
they weren't really for me -sigh- they're for my co-worker ... at least I will have something to do when I walk them across the hall...
Time to go back to sleep I guess...

my life

yikes,
I'm back in my life, and am 1 for 2 on good days! yesterday I got up and was busy, and worked, and got stuff done, and went to bed before midnight, and overall was pretty successful... today I overslept, and didn't get to work until much later, and am leaving early (ish) for a bridal shower, and am still tired and dragging and unmotivated to get the work done. Sheesh I thought it would take at least a week for me to become this pathetic... sadly it only took about 24 hours... I guess all I have though is this moment right here to stop piddling, and get some work done, to become motivated, and start accomplishing, but I wanted you to know that as of this moment right now I feel like a failure... not a monumental failure, but at least a little failure... (i think that may be an oxymoron-'little failure')
oh well, done with the pep talk and moving on...

This day

Good summer so far, made up of more than thirty 'todays' that have each in their own way been a blessing...
this is the day the Lord has made so I will rejoice and be glad in it... as hard and crazy and wierd as this day is. It's my first day back at the office, I've been gone a month and really I missed the people... just not all the drama, and wierd stuff that always seems to be going on.

contemplations

I got my first speeding ticket this week, and justice has a whole new meaning for me in the sense that for the first time in my life I think I have received it. Always before I have been the recipient of mercy, and grace. I think I have a more full understanding of receiving the just consequence for my actions now than I ever have. And I am better for the justice I have received because I am more grateful for the daily GRACE that I live in.
Who would have thought...

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Today

today my hair has blonde highlights in it... my sister in law Zoe put them there... I think it looks like summer... tell me what you think...
:o)

Busyness

everybody seems to be going in different directions this week. Jake has been able to get some odd jobs the last few days, so he's been pretty busy with that... Cheli is working (as usual, and is pretty busy there)... Yogi keeps getting requests for picnic tables and beds so he's trying to figure out how to do that stuff quickly, and then there's me. I'm gonna go and mow Gram's lawn today, and then she and I are going to do something...
My brother is coming back from Africa tomorrow, which I think means that at this point he has already gotten to the airport, if not taken off...
Seems like everybody is like a bunch of busy ants, so I need to get off the computer and join the crowd I guess...

Make your busyness count though, don't be aimlessly busy like Martha keep your heart focused on the Lord even in your work...

Life and Death

I've been thinking a lot lately about life and death. While I don't believe that God wants to do us harm I am convinced that He has numbered our days. He has given us so many days to live and then comes our death. How we die is dependent on our decisions while we live, but when we die is up to God.
I struggle because this means that God has only given some a few days to live and others he has given years. I know that there are passages of Scripture concerning this issue, but at the moment I am only speaking out of my own thoughts, and ideas. If the number of our days is predetermined it also means that we can not add years to our lives by our lifestyle choices, but that we merely improve the quality of the life we have to live. It also means that we can not take years away, at least not literally but our decisions can chisel away years of productivity, and the 'abundant life' that God designed for us to live.
Morbid thoughts I know but I am being challenged to reevaluate my day to day decisions because of this. I face eternity and must be prepared for it at any moment. I must be prepared for the fact that eternity means more than just my destination but the kind of welcome I will receive is a part of my eternal destiny too.

The Tree

They're chopping down a beautiful tree next door. It's old and the branches twist, and turn in a wonderful way. Like you might expect in an old fairy tale. No one took pictures or anything they just showed up with a cherry picker, a chopper, and some men with chain saws, and started taking the thing down. It's hard for me when things are done unceremoniously, it feels like things are taken for granted and unrecognized. I like that kind of world, where people and things are appreciated. Where giant old trees are noticed for the beauty they provide, and the history they've been part of.
*sigh*

Allegheny

I love it here.

I'm tired and busy, but happy and content. Sometimes I wish that we could combine all of the people here that we love and all of the people there, it's so hard when your heart is spread out all over the country, and world. I want all my friends back home to know and love these people here. To be friends with them, and really bond with them. And vice versa. Instead I have the blessing, and challenge of being a real and deep part of both worlds. The people here will tell you that they belong here because they really feel it, deep down they know it to be true. And sometimes I catch the back end of that feeling too. Sure, I miss the conveniences of the hustling city, but the peace that comes from just being here and the experience of knowing half of the people you drive past is pretty amazing too. Yeah, I miss my family and 'my world' but this is a good exchange because I could really believe that these people are my family too. It's good here, I can see why God said that 'it was good' when He finished creation. And this is the marred and sinful world I gaze at, imagine if this place were unscarred by sin! I really love it here.

Simple Pleasures

Life is full of Simple things and these are some of my faves...

• hot dogs on the grill
• sunshine through the leaves
• soft blankets
• trust
• real people
• dark chocolate
• warm strong arms around me
• water

life is good, not always easy or fun but good...