Changes

There are a lot of new things going on in my life. For the most part they are related to becoming a Mom for the first time; like feeling the baby moving but not being sure it was our little one; and having to adjust my eating and drinking habits; and needing all new clothes because mine aren't working; or planning the next year around the arrival of a little baby in our home; thinking about the future now has these wierd new facets that I can't ignore.

But some of it is because my job requires me to do things I've never done before like prepare budget spreadsheets for meetings; and explain why pastors do the things they do (without gossiping); being at church for half a day on Sundays; or placing huge office supply orders.

For the most part it's good stuff. A few things however are regrettable like the widening of my hips... I truly am not looking forward to how far apart they will become in the next months; or how little house work I seem to be able to get done anymore (and I know it is supposed to just get worse and worse); but by far the worst change is my mental capacity I am no longer able to remember family members names, and can't focus long enough to answer simple questions like, "should this come out of the oven now or in 2 minutes".

Yep things are changing, I guess some of it is supposed to change back but some things (i.e. my hips, or the brand new little person that will be here forever) are more permanent changes, and I'm just along for the ride... Adventure of a Lifetime Here I Come!!

Baby Stuff

Ok, so here I am pregnant and just like any other new experience for me I research it, read about it, check out the internet and ask lots of questions.
The major thing I am learning is this
Every woman is different. Every baby is different. Every pregnancy is different.
What this means for me is:
1) We're unique so I don't need to worry about if I'm the "right" size/shape/color (yep your skin can change color, crazy right?)
2) Nobody else in the entire world is having, or has ever had this exact same experience
3) I'm not going to be afraid about weight gain/loss; movement inside my womb; how the delivery will go; or all the other crazy fears that can attack the mind of a mommy to be
It's all a new wonderful miracle and God is perfectly in control.
And that is the truth that I will keep saying, and believing even when I wake up with nightmares about my baby dying, feel fat and ugly, look like a whale, can't find clothes to fit, don't feel my baby move for another 2 months, or whatever fearful, scary things that just naturally come along with this adventure (they're part of the package).

Time...

Wow it's been a long time, a lot has changed, and a lot is still the same

I have a new job, I'm working as a church secretary and even though pastor's can be as demanding as doctor's my heart is different in this place. I know that I serve the good of the Body and I get more fulfillment when I serve the Body than almost anything else I do.

My desires for the future remain, and while Jake and I have so much that stands in the way of actually achieving the future we know that nothing is bigger than God and so we live with that hope.

I'm pregnant, by sometime next May I should be holding a little dependent life in my arms wondering what to do with it, and if I'm crazy for having wanted this challenge.

My husband loves me, as always ... his care, concern, and overall provision for us is such a blessing to my heart... his love inspires love in me... I think that is the most overwhelming thing about love. Genuine love when given inspires love to be returned.

My world has been shaken in a lot of ways in the last 6 months that are impossible to go into right now but I'm looking back on it with awe for what God has revealed of Himself in those months, and how He has made Himself real. I think the biggest thing has been that God's timing and mine almost never line up, but He's the boss and He knows when the timing is right in a much more fine tuned way than I ever could.

Thursday...

Every change requires an adjustment.

One of the major adjustments to my "new" job has been the time that is involved. Spending between an hour and a half, and two hours a day on the road was a bit more than expected. The daily hours have ended up being more than I expected, and there have been some policies regarding lunch and breaks that have caught me off guard. All of this to say that my job has really worn me down, but the conclusion to all of this is that it's changing on May 8th.

I will now have every Thursday off.

And so I approach another adjustment.

iPod ... Nano

My husband bought me a late birthday present...

It's a cute sea-foam green iPod nano...

He had it engraved with "our saying."

He also had it gift wrapped and waiting at the front door for me when I came home last night!

Love it!

cream cheese

I've never really been one to eat the butter straight, peanut butter yes, and cheez whiz (last night), but really as a whole I don't eat "smearable toppings" (cream cheese, mayonaise, butter, cinnamon butter, jelly, jam, marmalade ...etc.) by the spoonful. Today however I met a cream cheese that I loved enough to eat even after I ran out of bagel to go with it. I Stopped by Einstein Bagels on the way to work this morning... and let me tell you... their Shmear is delicious... so good... yummy... you should try some, I think it's whipped or something... because it is amazingly smooth and I love it...

Changed

I want to go back.

It has been months... longer than we were there, and now I know in my heart I want it. It's not just in my head anymore. They've dug their way down into my heart, and I will sacrifice for them more than they'll ever know. So much less than the greatest Sacrifice, and yet so much more than I've ever given before.

The doubts in my head and heart are silenced if but for this moment. I know He is sufficient for all of them and today, right now, that is enough. It will always be enough whether I am acknowledging it or not. Right now I have the euphoria of this decision to carry me. Later only Faith.

Eyeballs

Did you know?

A frog must close its eyes to swallow. When it does this the eyeballs are retracted to press against the roof of the mouth, helping to press food on down the gullet.

DiversaFact from Diversified Opthalmics Inc.

...that might explain why they have such huge eyeballs...

So considering eyeballs... mine feel tired... and I want a nap... and yet instead of going home and sleeping I need to stay here to help other people's eyeballs see clearly...

Money

I work my butt off all week so that I can make money.
I make money so that I can buy the things I need.
I buy things I need like gas to get to work, and food so that I don't pass out while I'm working.

Does this seem like a vicious cycle to anyone else?

Does anybody else feel like you're serving 'The Machine' rather than living Life?

Can I also just say, that when I spend the money on things I want and don't need for existence (money that I spent over 40 hours this week earning) I end up feeling guilty!!
I feel like time is just slipping through my fingers, and that even though I'm earning a paycheck for it... I'm missing out on life which is ultimately a pretty high price to pay

However... I am making this sacrifice now so that I can have the reward later of freedom from "The Machine"

Gratefulness

How is it possible to live in such a wealthy, clean, privileged country and still be bitter and ungrateful for all the goodness that we have spread before us? I have been evaluating some of the things I've said and attitudes that I've had lately and realize that I'm expecting perfection from my whole world. Part of that expectation is that everyone would also exercise perfect selfless love towards me in the meantime. I'm so tired of being ungrateful and discontented with my life, and the things I've been given. So I'm calling myself out to change.

Today I'm grateful for:
my husband who is strong, confident, loving, and thoughtful.
a working car
a nice two bedroom apartment with a huge living/dining area
friends who want to spend time with me and be involved in my life
a family that has always wanted the best for me and supported me

Roman Art

The Roman Art from the Louvre exhibit was here.

I went and saw it last weekend with my husband and some friends... it was so beautiful and poignant. There is something really gripping about looking at things that were created by human hands over 1500 years ago. Seeing the talent they had to sculpt rock into the human likenesses of some of the world's most powerful people (whether they were accurate representations or not) is enough to give you pause. On top of that to see these mosaic floors that used to be in the homes of people in cities like Antioch. I couldn't help but think of Paul, the world traveler and it hit me that he could have actually stepped on these same tiles. I found myself in a really pensive mood because of the influence of cold stone, lifeless gold, and shimmering jewelry. Staring into the face of a woman who's been dead for almost 2000 years is a little deep to comprehend. It added depth to the life of the early Christians for me because they walked among these or similar items.

I'm glad I went, it was an opportunity to gain some perspective on life. Somehow contemplating the fact that so many people have lived, but are now dead helps me to approach my fleeting life with a little more gravity. I only have a little while, and the chances of people someday looking at a life size carving of me is really slim. Leading me to the conclusion that I have to make a difference while I'm breathing because that's all I've got.

lunch...

So I'm sitting at my desk staring at yummy beef pot roast left overs, wishing I could be eating them. The reason I can't is because I am not alone in the office. There is a patient waiting for the doctor (who doesn't happen to be back yet). This particular patient is facing me, and there is no way that I can even sneak a bite of the sumptuous goodness sitting right in front of me. The pure torture of smelling the delectable treat is making my stomach hurt. Maybe the arrival of the doctor will rescue me from my restrictions... He has just come in... she's going into his office... Oh you've got to be kidding me... the next patient just walked in as the doctor closed the door on his office... GAAAAHHH... I can't take it anymore... I'm going to sneak a bite while this next patient is facing the other direction... MMMMmmmm... sweet heavenly relief... food for my poor starved taste buds (because they have suffered the most from my recent privations).