Jake

Can I just say that I am married to the most wonderful man in the whole world... I love him so much... and deserve him so little

Jake is a doer, a finisher, an extremely committed hard worker.

This month we have a lot of tasks that need to be accomplished and they are just preliminary to actually getting ready for the baby. We have to pack, paint, clean and move from our old apartment. We have to finish the bedroom, bathroom, living room, and kitchen (that is every room in the house) and move-in to the new place. All of this before we can start setting up a baby-friendly little home complete with all the baby gadgets (the necessity of which I am currently debating :o).

I am 7 1/2 months pregnant feeling every single one of my 30 weeks and knowing it is going to continue down hill from here for me physically.

All of this ends up meaning that Jake (the doer/finisher/committed-hard-worker) has a lot of pressure on him to do-finish-work hard. He is exhausted and yet gets up every morning goes to work for anywhere from 8-12 hours, comes home from work every night and helps me with basic normal house work, as well as the extra stuff of packing, organizing, and pitching the things we own, or he goes over to the house and works til the wee hours of the morning laying tile, setting cabinets, shopping for appliances, and generally getting all the little details in place for the house to be ready to move into.

Like I said I am married to the most wonderful man in the whole world... I love him so much... and deserve him so little

Moving...

This seems to be the theme of my life right now in one way or another.

Jake and I are moving to a different home...
when I'm about 7 1/2 months pregnant
to a little house with a garage and a yard :o)

I am moving from the work-force to the stay-at-home-force
reducing our income (hence the need for aforementioned move)
increasing my time available to our daughter (and my husband-hopefully)

I am moving from wife to wife/mother
adding another person that I get to pour into
adding to the number of people I would die for

Lucy is moving
she's spent most of the week repositioning herself so she can kick new places
she has been kicking just above my belly button all day (the first time she's gone that far 'north')

There's a lot of moving going on lately...
mostly good, but none of it easy...
Just more reason to trust God

My Body

(According to My 17 Year Old Brother)

I'm past the 'awkward-is-she-isn't-she-bump' stage and now into the 'cute-baby-bump' stage...

Nice

baby news...

So we're having a little girl.
Of course Jake and I are both excited, and a little petrified.
Little girls are so precious, and tender and strong.
When you meet a woman with her head on straight,
passionate about life, and emotionally balanced
it is an amazing thing.

But how do you get her from a crying helpless little infant to that strong, balanced, passionate, yet gentle woman?

Obviously maturity is a process
and there are no guarantees that she will be this woman
when she leaves our home,
but we want to give her the tools
to be the best possible version of herself that she can be.
Understanding of course that God has to be at work in her
or we have nothing.
Now following Him (or not) is done in her sight
and she takes part in the consequences of our decisions.

That is probably the scariest part of all that we have to be sensitive to Him regarding our little girl, we have to follow Him for her sake, as well as our own.

God we beg your continued grace...

Changes

There are a lot of new things going on in my life. For the most part they are related to becoming a Mom for the first time; like feeling the baby moving but not being sure it was our little one; and having to adjust my eating and drinking habits; and needing all new clothes because mine aren't working; or planning the next year around the arrival of a little baby in our home; thinking about the future now has these wierd new facets that I can't ignore.

But some of it is because my job requires me to do things I've never done before like prepare budget spreadsheets for meetings; and explain why pastors do the things they do (without gossiping); being at church for half a day on Sundays; or placing huge office supply orders.

For the most part it's good stuff. A few things however are regrettable like the widening of my hips... I truly am not looking forward to how far apart they will become in the next months; or how little house work I seem to be able to get done anymore (and I know it is supposed to just get worse and worse); but by far the worst change is my mental capacity I am no longer able to remember family members names, and can't focus long enough to answer simple questions like, "should this come out of the oven now or in 2 minutes".

Yep things are changing, I guess some of it is supposed to change back but some things (i.e. my hips, or the brand new little person that will be here forever) are more permanent changes, and I'm just along for the ride... Adventure of a Lifetime Here I Come!!

Baby Stuff

Ok, so here I am pregnant and just like any other new experience for me I research it, read about it, check out the internet and ask lots of questions.
The major thing I am learning is this
Every woman is different. Every baby is different. Every pregnancy is different.
What this means for me is:
1) We're unique so I don't need to worry about if I'm the "right" size/shape/color (yep your skin can change color, crazy right?)
2) Nobody else in the entire world is having, or has ever had this exact same experience
3) I'm not going to be afraid about weight gain/loss; movement inside my womb; how the delivery will go; or all the other crazy fears that can attack the mind of a mommy to be
It's all a new wonderful miracle and God is perfectly in control.
And that is the truth that I will keep saying, and believing even when I wake up with nightmares about my baby dying, feel fat and ugly, look like a whale, can't find clothes to fit, don't feel my baby move for another 2 months, or whatever fearful, scary things that just naturally come along with this adventure (they're part of the package).

Time...

Wow it's been a long time, a lot has changed, and a lot is still the same

I have a new job, I'm working as a church secretary and even though pastor's can be as demanding as doctor's my heart is different in this place. I know that I serve the good of the Body and I get more fulfillment when I serve the Body than almost anything else I do.

My desires for the future remain, and while Jake and I have so much that stands in the way of actually achieving the future we know that nothing is bigger than God and so we live with that hope.

I'm pregnant, by sometime next May I should be holding a little dependent life in my arms wondering what to do with it, and if I'm crazy for having wanted this challenge.

My husband loves me, as always ... his care, concern, and overall provision for us is such a blessing to my heart... his love inspires love in me... I think that is the most overwhelming thing about love. Genuine love when given inspires love to be returned.

My world has been shaken in a lot of ways in the last 6 months that are impossible to go into right now but I'm looking back on it with awe for what God has revealed of Himself in those months, and how He has made Himself real. I think the biggest thing has been that God's timing and mine almost never line up, but He's the boss and He knows when the timing is right in a much more fine tuned way than I ever could.

Thursday...

Every change requires an adjustment.

One of the major adjustments to my "new" job has been the time that is involved. Spending between an hour and a half, and two hours a day on the road was a bit more than expected. The daily hours have ended up being more than I expected, and there have been some policies regarding lunch and breaks that have caught me off guard. All of this to say that my job has really worn me down, but the conclusion to all of this is that it's changing on May 8th.

I will now have every Thursday off.

And so I approach another adjustment.

iPod ... Nano

My husband bought me a late birthday present...

It's a cute sea-foam green iPod nano...

He had it engraved with "our saying."

He also had it gift wrapped and waiting at the front door for me when I came home last night!

Love it!

cream cheese

I've never really been one to eat the butter straight, peanut butter yes, and cheez whiz (last night), but really as a whole I don't eat "smearable toppings" (cream cheese, mayonaise, butter, cinnamon butter, jelly, jam, marmalade ...etc.) by the spoonful. Today however I met a cream cheese that I loved enough to eat even after I ran out of bagel to go with it. I Stopped by Einstein Bagels on the way to work this morning... and let me tell you... their Shmear is delicious... so good... yummy... you should try some, I think it's whipped or something... because it is amazingly smooth and I love it...

Changed

I want to go back.

It has been months... longer than we were there, and now I know in my heart I want it. It's not just in my head anymore. They've dug their way down into my heart, and I will sacrifice for them more than they'll ever know. So much less than the greatest Sacrifice, and yet so much more than I've ever given before.

The doubts in my head and heart are silenced if but for this moment. I know He is sufficient for all of them and today, right now, that is enough. It will always be enough whether I am acknowledging it or not. Right now I have the euphoria of this decision to carry me. Later only Faith.

Eyeballs

Did you know?

A frog must close its eyes to swallow. When it does this the eyeballs are retracted to press against the roof of the mouth, helping to press food on down the gullet.

DiversaFact from Diversified Opthalmics Inc.

...that might explain why they have such huge eyeballs...

So considering eyeballs... mine feel tired... and I want a nap... and yet instead of going home and sleeping I need to stay here to help other people's eyeballs see clearly...

Money

I work my butt off all week so that I can make money.
I make money so that I can buy the things I need.
I buy things I need like gas to get to work, and food so that I don't pass out while I'm working.

Does this seem like a vicious cycle to anyone else?

Does anybody else feel like you're serving 'The Machine' rather than living Life?

Can I also just say, that when I spend the money on things I want and don't need for existence (money that I spent over 40 hours this week earning) I end up feeling guilty!!
I feel like time is just slipping through my fingers, and that even though I'm earning a paycheck for it... I'm missing out on life which is ultimately a pretty high price to pay

However... I am making this sacrifice now so that I can have the reward later of freedom from "The Machine"

Gratefulness

How is it possible to live in such a wealthy, clean, privileged country and still be bitter and ungrateful for all the goodness that we have spread before us? I have been evaluating some of the things I've said and attitudes that I've had lately and realize that I'm expecting perfection from my whole world. Part of that expectation is that everyone would also exercise perfect selfless love towards me in the meantime. I'm so tired of being ungrateful and discontented with my life, and the things I've been given. So I'm calling myself out to change.

Today I'm grateful for:
my husband who is strong, confident, loving, and thoughtful.
a working car
a nice two bedroom apartment with a huge living/dining area
friends who want to spend time with me and be involved in my life
a family that has always wanted the best for me and supported me

Roman Art

The Roman Art from the Louvre exhibit was here.

I went and saw it last weekend with my husband and some friends... it was so beautiful and poignant. There is something really gripping about looking at things that were created by human hands over 1500 years ago. Seeing the talent they had to sculpt rock into the human likenesses of some of the world's most powerful people (whether they were accurate representations or not) is enough to give you pause. On top of that to see these mosaic floors that used to be in the homes of people in cities like Antioch. I couldn't help but think of Paul, the world traveler and it hit me that he could have actually stepped on these same tiles. I found myself in a really pensive mood because of the influence of cold stone, lifeless gold, and shimmering jewelry. Staring into the face of a woman who's been dead for almost 2000 years is a little deep to comprehend. It added depth to the life of the early Christians for me because they walked among these or similar items.

I'm glad I went, it was an opportunity to gain some perspective on life. Somehow contemplating the fact that so many people have lived, but are now dead helps me to approach my fleeting life with a little more gravity. I only have a little while, and the chances of people someday looking at a life size carving of me is really slim. Leading me to the conclusion that I have to make a difference while I'm breathing because that's all I've got.

lunch...

So I'm sitting at my desk staring at yummy beef pot roast left overs, wishing I could be eating them. The reason I can't is because I am not alone in the office. There is a patient waiting for the doctor (who doesn't happen to be back yet). This particular patient is facing me, and there is no way that I can even sneak a bite of the sumptuous goodness sitting right in front of me. The pure torture of smelling the delectable treat is making my stomach hurt. Maybe the arrival of the doctor will rescue me from my restrictions... He has just come in... she's going into his office... Oh you've got to be kidding me... the next patient just walked in as the doctor closed the door on his office... GAAAAHHH... I can't take it anymore... I'm going to sneak a bite while this next patient is facing the other direction... MMMMmmmm... sweet heavenly relief... food for my poor starved taste buds (because they have suffered the most from my recent privations).

New Job

Started a new position.
I like it a lot.
My official title is Office Manager/Optometric Assistant.
Sounds important right?!!
Again, I like it.
Still a little nervous about getting all the important stuff right.
Probably will be for a while.
Pay is not great, but improves every three months!

On top of all that last week my husband was extra attentive because he knows my overly analytical tendencies and wanted to help me transition into this job as quickly and easily as possible. He did housework, fixed dinner, took me out to eat, gave me a back rub and LISTENED to all of my stressing. And never once acted like he was frustrated by my needs.

I really appreciate him. He is better to me than I deserve, Praise the Lord.

All in all I'm blessed.

Busy day today.
Don't want to do the things I really need to do... I am not prioritizing well today.

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The snow is beautiful, it has stopped coming down for now, and there is this giant fluffy white blanket covering over everything. I love how snow smoothes out the rough edges of life. It makes everything graceful, and lovely. There is really nothing quite like it. Except maybe Grace.

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I finally got all of the popcorn strung for our Christmas tree, and now I can finish decorating it... I love Christmas

Job Hunt

I'm such a slacker... I was supposed to be looking for a job this month and I haven't

Then two days ago my husband gets a call saying there is an opportunity for me to work full time, and get payed substantially more than I made at my old job.

My list of job requirements:

• more $$ than my last job (to help pay off the school bill)
• get it by the end of the month (which happens to be tomorrow)
• part time (so that I can handle the stuff around the house, and so that I can keep it after I'm -hopefully- pregnant)
• something I would enjoy doing (working with people, challenging, some change etc)

This job:

• more $$ than my last job
• would have it by the end of the month
• full time (and strenuous... probably wouldn't be able to keep working throughout the pregnancy)
• not necessarily enjoyable (solitary, tedious work)

decisions, decisions...

He Wins

So I've been fighting it, but the fight is over, for now. I'm sure it will come up again later, but He owns me. I have been bought with a price, and remembering what I've been purchased from makes me want to give what He asks of me. I know He deserves more than I offer but I can't give more than all of what I am, and have so, thankfully, He fills up the empty places with Himself to make me acceptable. That's what it all boils down to, my submission to the filling. These last few weeks I haven't been willing, and so I have remained empty because I was closed off. Now though He is slaking my thirst with His own Presence, and filling me up so that I no longer lack.

When He wins, I win. So why is there ever a battle?